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Sunday 28 July 2013

The wounds of yesterday.....

Ugh. Think that just about sums up some of today. Not all of it, because some of it was :), but ugh just about covers the rest.  It's Sunday, so I had church this morning.  It's always been a battle to make myself go to church when I feel really bad, because it is church where so much of my childhood trauma took place.  So many bad memories.  So many reminders.  So many triggers.  And so little understanding.  But lately, I've found myself in a church where I'm experiencing a new feeling..... 'I'm having a dreadful week. I'm glad it's nearly Sunday....'.  Took me a bit by surprise when I first realised. But I soon settled into the feeling.  However settling leads to complacency......as I discovered this morning.  And complacency is never a good thing. This morning I had to deal with the reality that we are all human, and humans sometimes let us down. Even the ones that aren't so scary. Did I deal with this well? Well, yes and no. Yes, because I went on the church picnic, instead of running, something I would never have been able to push myself to do feeling the way I did before, safe in the knowledge that this was really just a one-off, not a pattern, and that this experience was still a very different church experience for me. And no, in that part of me still wants to run....the instinct is hard to get rid of. The wounds of yesterday may heal, but they leave behind scars....

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